No matter the age--it just isn't easy

I'm talking about cancer treatment. No matter your age or treatment regime, it is never easy. Farracy, my daughter-in-law, aka Best daughter-in-law in the World is in Houston right now visiting her mom who is undergoing the last week of radiation treatment, after three months of aggressive chemo and radiation at the same time. She only has seven more radiation treatments (maybe six before the day is out) but she's at the point that seven treatments feels like way too many.
The good new for her is that she is surrounded by fabulous doctors and a remarkable support network including not only Farr and Justin, but also her son and daughter-in-law and grandchildren who live near by not to mention a host of friends ready, willing, and able to do the small and large things that are so important when you feel as rotten as she does. She also has a end date for these treatments and her doctor has given her the thumbs up to say that her tumor has shrunk significantly and the treatments are working.
Still... it is hard for her and for those who love her. She too, is Always a Mom and we have talked about how difficult it is to watch kids--even adult kids) cope with treatment for their parents. This is to say it goes both ways. Mothers (and Dads) and their kids of any age work hard to figure out how to help, stay positive and be there when cancer is in the mix. Farr and her brother, Chad, and their families have done all that for Nancy as have lots of others.
So mom, Nancy, hang in there. Know how many folks are cheering you on. Remember how strong and good your children are (not to mention fabulous parents themselves)--just the way you and Skip raised them.
So today I am just sending out love to another mom, Nancy, and asking you to say a prayer for her--or send positive thoughts her way.
Blessings.

Bruce Feller gets it right

So reading this yesterday, just reminded me --again-- of how good people--even good friends can sometimes blunder when dealing with someone who has cancer. I know I have said some of the very same unhelpful statements myself,  but after having Melanie at home when first diagnosed and even years into her cancer journey, I have learned a little bit about what helps and what doesn't.
Bruce Feller wrote this column, 'You Look Great and other Lies' yesterday in the Sunday, New York Times and it is worth at read.


 http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/12/fashion/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-sick-this-life.html

It's all about blessing...

     I have spent the last two days trying to write about Melanie and Ben’s wedding weekend.  After 1300 words (far too many in blogland) and not even getting to the ceremony—it suddenly hit me that I was trying to graphically recount what occurred. I wanted a reader to "see" what it was like to be there—an impossible task. Then it hit me, maybe it is more important to share what the weekend was all about—something closer to my heart.

     While the details were lovely—the venue on the water overlooking the water in Sebasco Harbor, Maine and the flowers, outside and in--those details were more a backdrop for what began to emerge. It seemed there was bit of magic in the air (and I am sure many mom's feel this way) but some of that was because of what did not happen.

    The weekend was not a staged production. While much careful planning and work went into gathering 165 people together, Melanie and Ben (along with their four parents) wanted most to focus on assuring that those who made the huge effort to come would feel welcomed, comfortable, have fun, and hopefully make new connections.

    As it turned out, the weekend was not about the weather—which it could have been given the forecast leading up to it. The predicted Nor’easter not only did not materialize, those who came, bemoaned the fact that they did not bring shorts. Brilliant sunshine for two days and a cloudy wedding day made for perfect weather to congregate outside, enjoying the late spring blooms and taking pictures--hundreds of pictures.

    The weekend was not about perfection. So what if the ring bearer—Jackson—decided not to walk down the aisle preferring to hold Dad’s hand up front? Not a problem. The cries of babies and shout outs asking Jackson if he wanted to play as the wedding party came down the aisle?  Perfect! A bit of fog and chill in the air as the service ended? All the better for pictures.

     And the weekend was not about cancer—or overcoming cancer—in fact, I did not hear the word mentioned all weekend. On Thursday, I took off my Livestrong bracelet, as did Melanie. Not a person there needed a reminder to Live Strong. That was what the weekend celebrated—living strong, and fully and well.

So what was it about?

     It was certainly about family—four generations on every side of Hodgman’s, Fields, Richmond/Foote and Odenwald’s--the youngest only days old and some elders in their 90’s. Uncles, aunts, cousins at every turn graced the celebrations with joy. (The Hodgman/Field clan having  remarkable numbers of them! I am still trying to get Don and Marfy’s brothers and sisters straight. ) With immediate family staying in the same building, Ben’s parents, brother, Roy and his fiance passed our grands around as if they were their own. Justin, Farracy, Jackson, and Cooper played their way through the weekend with cousins and great grandparents they seldom see, and every time Jackson called his Uncle Ben Ben, I smiled knowing that once again, the clan was growing, welcoming more love into the world.

     This weekend was certainly about friendship--friendship going back to their childhood. Melanie and Ben's friends, who had played together from toddlerhood, came to raise toasts—now perfectly legal. Family friends who had vacationed together, worked together, gone through hard times as well as good came. Those who had followed Melanie and Ben’s wandering ways from a distance came to meet the person who made their friend’s heart sing. And there were friends recently made in Seattle who traveled to celebrate together.

     The weekend was about being present as the days unfolded with Melanie and Ben setting the tone: greeting each person arriving and departing, making introductions and meeting folks for the first time who at the end of the weekend were going to be part of their new family. Throughout the weekend I paid attention as Melanie and Ben took the time to be present to each other--often sneaking off for just a couple of moments to touch base or send a note on their wedding day.

      Surprises were also in the cards for Ben and Melanie—two engraved carabineers carrying the rings down the aisle on Jackson’s belt loops; a cloud of bubbles greeting the newly pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Hodgman; fireworks at midnight outside the wedding suite over the water, (yes sir officer, that won’t happen again);  not to mention a flash mob dance lead by Don, Marfy, Chris and yours truly. (The look on Ben and Mel’s face when the floor filled with dancers doing synchronized dance steps--priceless!)

      As folks gathered there was a growing willingness to fully enter into the fun. While perhaps it was not everyone’s first choice to be part of a scavenger hunt on the wedding morning, folks showed up.  As teams consisting of  every possible combination of aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins and more cousins, childhood and adult friends raced around the property; pyramids of Outward Bounders formed; uncles and aunts were hunted down to sign autographs; poems to the bride and groom were composed; and a community was formed. (The prize of the huge martini glass filled with M&M's was hotly contested!) Then there those intrepid Outward Bound folks (and one of my cousins) who followed the bride and groom as they jumped into 46 degree water the morning after the wedding. A baptism for the new couple.

     The weekend was about living close to the earth. Surrounded by water, trees, and sky, folks played outdoors—relishing the sun, kayaking, walking on the beach, playing bocce (who ever heard of power bocce?) and shuffleboard, creating pick-up whiffle ball and frisbee games. And party rooms reflecting the outside world-- scented with lilacs, peonies and hyacinths with fiddlehead ferns and birch logs peeking out. Tables named for the mountains loved by the new Hodgman’s with topographical maps as backdrop. Food was local and organic.

      And of course, the weekend was about Love. The mutual love of family and friends for Melanie and Ben. The love passed down from generation to generation. The love of new life and the love of God’s blessing shining though. The love of a new home that Melanie and Ben have found in each other.

     Finally, perhaps in the entire weekend was about blessing—blessing of Ben and Melanie as husband and wife witnessed by their family and friends. The formal part of that came in the wedding ceremony, but blessings were showering on them and us all weekend.  While Melanie and Ben’s friend, and our family friend for years, Bill Harper, officiated at the service, they asked me to do the final blessing. As much as I wanted to do it, I had warned Melanie and Ben I was not sure I could without breaking down.  (At the same time, reminding them that any tears were all about joy so deep that my heart was overflowing.) That morning practicing the short story I would tell before beginning the blessing, I sobbed. ( I mean really the boohoo --can't catch your breath sobbed.) I practiced again and I cried--but less.  By the fifth or sixth try I was just barely holding back tears, and thought I could do it. Then when Melanie appeared from behind the tree walking on Chris’ arm so beautiful and confident with the biggest Melanie smile ever, and when I saw Ben’s face beckoning her to his side, I knew I would be ok. So bless them I did with these words ending our collective prayer for them:

Now, O God, you have shown us that in giving away our lives in love we discover the unity of all creation.  Send therefore your blessing on these your children, created, loved and known by you from the beginning of time.  Give them grace that they may love and honor each other in faithfulness and patience and wisdom; and let their life and home be a haven of blessing and peace for all.  Amen.

That was what this weekend was all about.  

Amen and amen…

P.S. And if you want to see the blog post from an "outsider" and a few visuals by our fabulous photographer Brian Wedge, just follow this link. Turns out he is also a former Outward Bound instructor (among many things) and he and his wife give 1% of their proceeds to cancer research in honor of his sister, Lea who is a leukemia survivor.

http://www.brianwedge.com/blog/2011/06/03/melanie-ben-sebasco-harbor-resort-wedding-maine/

 

Always a Mom: I promise I will write next week!

Always a Mom: I promise I will write next week!: "But for now--just know that it was a perfect weekend. The Family together and the smiles never stopped! Blessings Abound!"

I promise I will write next week!

But for now--just know that it was a perfect weekend. 

The Family together and the smiles never stopped!

Blessings Abound!

Getting Ready

It is a little hard to focus right now. Melanie is getting married in ten days, and the last thing I want to think (or write) about is cancer so I am not. Instead, I am rushing around getting cribs set up and rooms cleaned for Farracy, Jackson and Cooper's arrival later this afternoon. They are coming early to help us get ready. Melanie and Ben fly in on Saturday and then we'll have a week to attend to the final details.
In the meantime we have one person in the family who is totally prepared for the wedding party after the service and I thought I would just share his preparation. This is Jackson--ring bearer extraordinaire--wearing his wedding outfit. If you look carefully on his belt loop, you will see a carabiner which will carry the wedding rings down the aisle. (For those worried mom's, it is a locking carabiner.)

I will be back writing in a couple of weeks, but until then I wish you dancing days ahead.

A time to rejoice...

This month, Melanie is marrying my favorite future son-in-law, Ben; I could not be happier. Starting this blog, I committed myself to writing at least once a week, but it has not always been easy. Right now, life is so full. We just returned from a long weekend in Seattle that included visiting with grandchildren and Farracy, a tulip festival, and a fabulous party for the happy couple.  Chris and I had the chance to meet their west coast friends and re-connect with the Harper family as well as all those Bainbridge Island women who have loved, supported and mothered Melanie for the last six years. (Shout-out to Carolyn, Kathy, Sara, and Annie!)

Coming home filled with such happiness and gratitude, it was impossible to even think about going back to recounting the bleak early cancer days. Yes, there is still cancer in Melanie’s life, but this month we are rejoicing—plain and simple.  And this might be the perfect opportunity to remember and celebrate just a few of the many folks who have walked with our family these last seven.

In the early days of her cancer diagnosis, communicating by e-mail was pretty much all we could manage. What a relief, and joy, and surprise it was to find hugs from cyberspace every day when the computer came on. Melanie was showered with love in the form of calls, cards and packages, pajamas, and sweets, a box of flower cookies from high school friends, parcels with carefully selected DVD’s and crossword puzzle books, flowers delivered and a never-ending stream of cards. Every one lifted my heart a bit, too. Week after week, something arrived on the doorstep every day. (After about 2 months and the day finally came when the mail brought nothing Melanie said, “Guess no on loves me any more.”)

On May 28^th, Melanie and Ben will be surrounded by so many folks who love them both, but today I acknowledge by name just a very few who were with her B.C., stuck with her over the years, and will be at her side as she starts this new chapter of her life together with Ben.

Standing up front will be brother, Justin (Groomsman) and his wife, Farracy  (Grand Poobah, Lady of Honor) Living far away in California in 2004 and unable to come home, they sent flowers, bad poetry, stuffed animals, and checked in daily. Newly married, they even offered to have her live in the spare bedroom in their home (aka the Mel Hole) as she tried to re-orient her life after treatment.

Then there is Melanie’s childhood friend, Joanna. In 2004, a med student --now a pediatric neurologist and Bridesmaid--  Jo answered every phone call, shared her apartment in NY when Melanie had Sloan Kettering appointments, researched medical information, and just plain kept in touch when it that was not easy to do.

College friend Sus (Bridesmaid) (you have already heard of her mom, Sydney, the “drink a glass of water and take a walk” lady) lived in Cambridge, MA with her fiancé, Doug, when Melanie was first diagnosed. During those early weeks and months, they acted as lifelines to a world outside of cancer for Melanie. Understanding food restrictions, they somehow managed to show up with tasty treats at just the right moment. After a serious complication from her second surgery, when Melanie was in pain, and we were all discouraged and frightened, they came; literally crawling in our bed where Melanie was resting, they stayed on a Saturday evening just watching movies as Chris and I collapsed in the living room. For a few moments with her friends standing watch, we could let down our guard and take a deep breath.  And when she began to heal, they were the ones who coaxed her out for an early evening of fun, took her camping, made her feel normal.

Officiating at the wedding will be Bill Harper, Episcopal priest, long time friend of the entire family, and the first person to take Melanie to the mountains as a fifteen year old in Washington State.  After her surgeries, it was Bill who invited her to help lead a twelve-day pilgrimage to the wilderness with teenagers, a trip that came at a time when she needed to feel alive and be reminded of who she is. That trek was perhaps where the seeds of her work for True North Treks were first planted. (Later, Bill also invited Ben to lead portions of his pilgrimages. Who better to officiate at such a celebration?)

So many have showed up for our family over the years; we are grateful beyond measure. And today I salute some who will stand with Melanie on a joyous day in May.  Justin, Farr, Jo, Sus, and Bill, I send a cyber hugs to each one of you.