Home

This picture is from the last dance at Melanie and Ben’s wedding a few weeks ago. I just love it because I know exactly what they are singing –it is the last verse of the song they picked to end the evening. It’s called  ‘Home’. Here are the words to the last verse:

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa

Not the way that I do love you

Holy moly, me, oh my, you’re the apple of my eye

Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Man, oh man, you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness

There ain’t nothin’ that I need

Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ

There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you

Chorus:

Ahh, Home

Let me come Home

Home is wherever I’m with you

~Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

The first time I had ever heard it was at the wedding and when it came on, Melanie and Ben just started belting it out. Quickly their friends joined in until the chorus was picked up by the entire dance floor.  Melanie and Ben sang—sang their hearts out to each and as I sang along, tears stung my eyes.

It wasn’t until I got back to Boston and saw that picture for the first time and the catchy tune popped in my head that I realized what the tears were all about. Melanie had indeed found a home. It is a home with Ben as her companion and love, and it is a home within herself. It was a home that took a long time to find.

One of the things that happens when a young adult –or perhaps anyone—gets cancer is that at least for a while, a bit of self is lost. It is hard to feel at home in their body or the world. In the early years, when Melanie was first diagnosed with cancer she talked often about losing her identity.  Feeling betrayed by her body, forced to move home, and then having to come to grips with physical limitations—especially in those first couple of years when her metabolism was totally out of whack—made her question not only who she was but what the future might hold. Living each day was wrought with questions. What kind of work might she have the energy to do? Would her stamina ever come back or would this depleted energy be her new “normal” for the rest of her life. How much will this cancer define me? What guy would ever want to fall for “cancer girl?” (Her words not mine.)

From the day she received her diagnosis, Chris and I reassured her that her home could be with us for as long as she needed even while knowing that our adventurous daughter would quickly find life in the city confining and yes, soul crushing. Her life thrived on mountains, and forests, and tents, and backpacks. In the wilderness, she felt alive, connected to herself and at home. But she also needed a place to put down roots. And like most of us, she wanted a companion to share those things with her. Going solo through life is never easy. 

Navigating what it means to live with cancer is a lifetime journey and for Melanie it has been one of growth and change, frustration and disappointment, stretching to find new possibilities and self-understanding. It has taken tenacity and guts. As her mom, I have tried to be present to that journey, and that has not always been easy. During the wedding weekend in May, though, her confidence and utter joy and inner strength were almost palpable.

When it came time to bless Melanie and Ben at the wedding, I told those gathered a story from when she was little. Almost every evening when our kids were young, we took walks-- around the block, to the park and later short hikes.  Of course, Melanie being the youngest, would tucker out first and with hands stretched up implore,  “Carry me. Carry me.” Until we thought she really was “done” our answer was always the same. “We’re on a walk not a carry.”   But before long not only did she no longer ask to be picked up, she was running far ahead—skiing faster down mountains than any of the rest of the family, taking trips into the wilderness, spending summers in the mountains or in South America, literally traveling around the world for a semester.

(These next words did not occur to me to tell that day, because Melanie and Ben’s wedding was not about cancer or overcoming anything.)  But it was no wonder that the confinement of cancer treatment would rob her of her sense of who she was. For some years, home in the world of exploration did not seem to be an option and at times she doubted if it ever would be again. Big questions of self had to be tested out and worked through.

Then one day, Melanie met a man who loved the outdoors and exploring the way she did. It was truly a match made in heaven-- and earth—and she was strong and confident enough to embrace that life again. At the same time, Ben had traveled his own journey that also included mountains and forests, boats and water and living abroad—a journey I am slowly learning about as I get to know him better.  It seems, and Melanie and Ben believe, they met at just the right moment in both their lives.

On May 28, Ben and Melanie, with voices strong and clear spoke vows to each other --words they wrote together. And their families and friends affirmed those vows also in words, adding applause and bubbles of blessing.  But it wasn’t until late in the evening that they both let loose singing to the universe, “Ahhh home. Let me come home. Home is whenever I’m with you. ” The song ended and ….

Melanie and Ben

Welcome Home

Here's the song if you want something to hum along to today!